From a distance, parenthood looks like the next step in human maturity—adolescent, college student, young adult, married person, parent. (For some reason, popular perception of empty-nesters doesn’t translate to the final step in maturity.) Those without children, tend to view those with children as wiser, more responsible human beings. After all, recent studies have shown that only the well-educated and affluent are the married-with-kids type.[1]
However, close-up encounters with parents reveal that maturity doesn’t go hand in hand with motherhood or fatherhood, even if mother and father are married. Yet, if we are to parent well, some level of maturity is necessary. Perhaps even more important, is the willingness for a parent to mature as a person with their kids. A challenge well captured by Dan Allender’s book How Children Raise Parents.[2] Indeed, if we are willing to learn along with our children, parenthood may prove to be a maturing—sanctifying—phenomenon. On the other hand, parenting can easily become a paralyzing and heart-hardening experience. One thing is certain; raising children will bring its fair share of fear and frustration.
The nine months before the baby is born are a microcosm of the liberties and limitations of parenthood. Sonograms, name selection, baby room shopping, loss of time, money, and sleep all transpire in those few months, the beginnings of the diverse joys and pains of parenthood. Fear sets in early on. Will the baby be born healthy or at all? How will we financially support another person? What about breast-feeding and diaper-changing? How will my spouse change? What if I screw up my kid? Can I do this? Depending on how we respond, this fear of failure will result in earnest preparation or personal paralysis.
After the baby is born and the novelty wears off, fears quickly turns into frustration. Why won’t that baby just shut up? How am I supposed to work on three hours of sleep? Why won’t my child just obey me the first time? What happened to my wife/husband? Where did all my free time go? How do I respond to that! These frustrations can quickly turn into anger or despair in lament over the loss of past freedoms such as sleeping in, time with our spouses, movies, dinner out, coffee shop reading and reflection, and time with friends. Depending on how we respond, frustration over freedoms lost can lead to personal reformation or deep-seated resentment.
How are we to redemptively engage these fears and frustrations? How much of our fears and frustrations are valid and invalid? How can the fear of failure produce responsible preparation instead of personal paralysis? How can frustration lead to redemption instead of resentment? In the space that remains, we will explore some of these gut-level questions with the aim of shedding light on how parenting can produce spiritual and personal maturity.
This is the rough intro to a new article on parenting. It ends with questions. I’d love to hear your answers.
[1] Married couples with children now account for less than a quarter of the U.S. population. Sociologists point out that this marriage gap is largely class-based. Blaine Harden, “Numbers Drop for the Married with Children,” Washington Post Mar 4, 2007: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/03/AR2007030300841_pf.html
[2] Dan Allender, How Children Raise Parents: The Art of Listening to Your Family (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2003).
George Barna has just completed a survey call the