When I received Tim Chester & Ed Moll’s extremely helpful book Gospel-Centred Family, I was determined to write an immediate review. Weeks passed. I kept going back to the short 93 page booklet to remind myself of gospel principles in raising my children. After reading through chapter 5, Disciplining a Child’s Heart, again this morning with my wife, I decided it was time to do the review!

Summary: One of a Kind

Gospel-Centred Family is simple, accessible, applicable, and profound. Many of us were raised to think that the gospel was something we should accept, not something we always need. This is equally true of parents. Like our children, we need the gospel to start and continue the Christian life. Instead of stooping to bribery, manipulation, behavior management, or emotionalism in parenting, Gospel-Centred Family lifts us up with gospel principles that point to Jesus as our King (not just example), to the heart (not just behaviors), and to understand how grace (not family goals) will transform a child into the image and beauty of Christ.

Book Structure: Easy to Read

The book is broken up into Four Sections: 1) Gospel-Centred Family 2) Grace-Centered Family 3) Word-Centered Family 4) Mission-Centred Family. Each chapter in each section contains a Principle, Biblical Background, and Questions for Reflection. I’m typically not into this kind of layout. In a lot of books that take this approach make the interaction feel “forced.” Not so with Gospel-Centred Family. Quite the opposite! The questions and principles are helpful and I’m considering using the whole book as the basis for a course in our church.

Disciplining a Child’s Heart: Gospel-centered & Practical

Instead or reviewing each chapter, I will provide a sample review of the book by examining one chapter.

Principle: Addressing the heart matters ore than controlling behavior.

Biblical Background:  Colossians 2:20-3:10. This background shows how Scripture does not advocate a rule-based approach to change, but that identity as a new creature in Christ is what changes us from the inside-out.

From Controlling to Addressing the Heart: Using helpful anecdotes, the authors explore common misconceptions about why children misbehave (“influences” not the heart). Many of us fall prey to these misconceptions, disciplining our children in ways that reinforce behavior-centered, not heart-centered parenting. We often try to control a child’s behavior instead of instruct their hearts. Consider some adapted examples:

• Manipulation – “Can’t you behave like your sister?”
• Fear – “If you don’t obey, you’ll get hit by a car.”
• Bribery – “I’ll give you some candy if you obey me.”
• Emotionalism – “After all I’ve done for you…”
• Inconsistency – “Okay, just this once.”

We all fall into these, some more than others. My wife and I had an honest conversation about where we see one another choosing these behavior control approaches. We encouraged one another to address the heart more often.

Good Discipline

The authors then turn the corner of critique to instruction:

“…if your aim is to teach your child the ways of God, then your discipline will be calm, clear, consistent, and concentrated on the motives of their heart. The goal is not control—that’s your agenda. God’s agenda is a child who delights to know and serve Him.“

They unpack each of the 4 Cs for godly discipline:

1. Calm: The focus of discipline is the child’s hear rather than your emotional state.
2. Clear: Make your commands clear…explain why they are being disciplined.
3. Consistent: Set consistent boundaries..by always following through with warnings…and being consistent between parents.
4. Concentrated on the heart: Focus on motivation, not just behaviour, e.g. “What did you want?” “Why did you do it?”

Concluding Thoughts

These principles and practices are immensely helpful, but they must be applied together as parents. Make sure you have some discussion time together over these things. Unite in prayerful repentance over failure and joyful resolve to not just change your kids’ behavior but instruct their heart. Parents should never stop talking about how to raise their kids. Fathers should lead out. As children grow older, it is important to move from discipline to self-discipline. As they grow, create times of discussion between parents and children so that you can grow in the gospel together.

Bonus: Gospel-centered Family Rhythms & Resources

Learning to enjoy your parent’s authority is the first step towards welcoming God’s authority. Don’t tell your children off for being children. Children break things and drop things…but ensure they obey you. Teach them to submit to your authority…Don’t let your child rule the home. If you do, you’ll be teaching them that they are king in their lives. They’re not. It won’t prepare them for wider social interaction. And it won’t prepare the to meet the true King.

Tim Chester & Ed Moll, Gospel-centered Family

Here are the free videos by Tedd Tripp from a recent conference.

Here are some gospel-centered family resources to follow up our Sunday sermon on Gospel-centered Parenting. This is a buffet of resources. Just start with a couple. Don’t order everything and try to start all of these rhythms overnight. Start with the Bible and a book and move out from there. And remember, you can’t change your children, only the Spirit of Jesus can, so pray!

Parenting Books

• Gospel-Driven Parenting (Farley) – this book is principle driven, helping parents think through how to bring the gospel into their own lives as parents and into their children’s lives.
• Shepherding A Child’s Heart (Tripp) – this book is more practical in nature, addressing the heart of our child through the various stages of child development. They also have a follow up book, Instructing a Child’s Heart.
• How Children Raise Parents (Allender) – I loved this book and go back to it over and over for personal enrichment as a parent. I use some of Allender’s practices with our children.
• God, Marriage, & Family (Kostenberger) – uber-biblical, with a twist of practical. Great for reference and finer concerns.
• Grace-Based Parenting (Kimmel) – very introductory to gospel-shaped parenting, but good.

Develop Gospel Family Rhythms

• Develop family rhythms around the Gospel. These are predictable times of worship, prayer and Bible reading. Consider doing them around meals, a time when the family should be gathering together free from the distractions of media. We do this at breakfast.
• Don’t isolate the gospel to predictable times. Integrate prayer, worship, and Bible into every day life. Pray on the fly, sing on the fly, read on the fly. When we isolate we program our children for legalism. Show them the gospel in everyday life.

• Read the a good children’s Bible (or this one). Remember to have fun with your children while learning the Bible. Avoid being uber serious and unrealistic expectations. Keep the time brief to hold the small children’s attention.
• Do some Scripture flash cards to do over a meal. If you know of cards with better pictures for small children let me know! Use the verses in context, applying them to everyday life for instruction. Put the verses to music or rhythm. Your child will enjoy singing and clapping.
• Sing Songs together. Teach them songs from CDs, DVDs, and ones you make up along the way.
• Interact with the Book of Questions and Answers. My kids love this book. They ask for it. They enjoy getting to participate in the gospel rhythms, not just listen to stories.

The following summary is taken from Tim Chester and contains some great advice on parenting. I also recommend Tedd Tripp’s books, though I don’t endorse everything in them.

Tedd Tripp, author of Shepherding a Child’s Heart - the best-selling, gospel-centred book on parenting recently visited us in Sheffield to talk about parenting.Tripp’s latest book is Instructing a Child’s Heart which is also available in the States as a DVD. I’ve included a promo video at the end of this post.

‘Above all else, guard the heart for it is the wellspring of life.’ (Proverbs 4.23).

Parenting must be heart-centred for the heart is the wellspring of life.  The heart in the biblical terms is not simply the seat of emotions. We think, discern, fear and so on with our hearts. Our heart is our inner self. (1 Samuel 16.7; Deuteronomy 10.12; 1 Chronicles 28.9; Proverbs 3.5-6; 2 Chronicles 16.9; 1 Kings 8.57-58.; Matthew 15.8, 17-20;
Luke 6.43-45.)

It is not enough to tackle behaviour through manipulation (bribery, shame, threats etc.). When we only tackle behaviour:

1. The real need is not addressed.
2. We present a false basis for ethics (selfish ethics)
3. The heart is being wrongly trained. E.g. we might teach children to fear others.
4. The gospel will not be central. When we manipulate we appeal to idols in the child’s heart (appealing to pride, greed etc.).
5. Manipulation shows  our idols of our hearts (our idolatrous desire for pride, control, ease, convenience, fear of man).

Where to go with this?

1. The Bible reveals hearts (Hebrews 4.12).

2. There is always a ‘what’, ‘when’ and ‘why’ of behaviour. But we confuse the ‘when’ and the ‘why’. We answer the ‘why’ question by saying ‘when’ – i.e. pointing to circumstances – when the answer is in the heart.

3. We all have a profound need for grace (Ezekiel 36.25-27). Help your children understand their need for the gospel.

We need to help our children understand thir hearts and their need hearts. It’s not that we never address behaviour. If a child is hitting his sister we don’t wait for heart change! But we must have a bigger vision a long-term focus on the heart.

Under five-year-olds
Two-year-olds do not have sufficient self-awareness to address heart issues with them. But we can teach them to live under loving authority and introduce the biblical language of the heart and its motivations.

Most parents give away their authority before even their children go to school as we negotiate with them and let them override our decisions. We shouldn’t teach five-year-olds to be decision-makers – we should model good decisions and obedience to authority. Teach them that it is a blessing to live under wise and loving authority.

How can we regain authority when we have given it away? Start with instruction. ‘Mum and Dad gave gained some new insights from God’s word that will help us as a family. Sorry we didn’t see this before.’ So start with instruction and then set new parametres.

Five to twelve year-olds
We often address behaviour because behaviour is visible. But doing the right thing for the wrong motive is hypocrisy. We also expose our hypocrisy: ‘I can’t believe you’re so selfish!’ = hypocrisy. Instead we can share our common need and our common hope in Christ. We’ll never got to the grace of the gospel if we’re manipulating behaviour.

Goals with our Teenagers
1. Internalization of the gospel. We want them to embrace God’s truth as their own living faith. Shepherd their interaction with God’s word – not just reprimanding, but taking them to God’s word. ‘I didn’t write this book -
this is God’s word.’ Helping them are the vitality and relevance of God’s word.

2. Shepherding through the inevitable periods of doubt. Don’t panic, but talk openly about doubts.

3. Developing a relationship that leads to mutuality as adults under God. We need to move from parent instructing child, to a mutual relationship of care.

Three foundations for teens from Proverbs 1

1. Fear of the Lord (Proverbs 1.7). Show the greatness and excellence of God.

2. Remembering your parents’ words (Proverbs 1.8-9). Remind them that no one loves them like you do. Their friends are fickle, but parents love and sacrifice no matter what.

3. Disassociation from the wicked (Proverbs 1.10-19). The attractiveness with the wicked is camaraderie – a sense of belonging. Make home a great place of belonging.

If you are looking for a book on raising teens, Get Outta My Face comes highly recommended. It sold 1000 copies in less than 48 hours over at Westminster Books. There are 500 left at an intro price of $4.88!

“Rick Horne knows from life experience how to do what seems impossible—how to connect with teens. If you care about teenagers, if you work with teens, if you live with a teen, this book will help you reach their hearts.”
- David Powlison, Adjunct Professor of Practical Theology, Westminster Theological Seminary

Taken from Matt Schmucker of 9 Marks, here are 10 things we may be doing that polarize our kids. Alternatively, here are some other lists that can aid in encouraging and loving your kids well. Feel free to add your own wisdom in the comments.

1. Make it a habit to discipline your child while angry.
2. Make it a point to scold your child – especially in public. Mockery and ridicule work well.
3. Deliberately embarrass your child in front of his/her friends. Name calling really gets their attention.
4. Create double standards so that the child never knows who or what to follow.
5. Preach and hold the child to a gospel of self-discipline instead of a gospel of grace. (Note: the Bible presents Pharisees as very unhappy people.)
6. Never admit you’re wrong and never ask your children for forgiveness.
7. Inspect your child until you find something wrong. Holding them to an unreachable standard makes this task easier.
8. Judge a fight between your children before you’ve listened to them.
9. Compare your child to others.
10. Promise your children things early in the day and then don’t fulfill the promise.

Parents should provoke their children…in good ways: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on [provoke!] toward love and good deeds” (Heb. 10:24).

Kingdom Families
What does it mean to be a Kingdom-minded family? Is yours?
By the Cline Family

Learning to Multiply
The Bible promises that children are a “blessing.” Why don’t evangelicals take this promise more seriously?
By Tim Cantrell

Favorite Children’s Bibles
Here’s the lowdown on three commendable children’s story Bibles.
By Justin Taylor

Children need to see the best and worst of marriage in order to understand not only the depth of sin but also the luminescent glory of conviction, repentance, grace, reconciliation, and celebration. Otherwise relational darkness will be known but not named. And it will poison the hope of healing. ..Whenever parents fail to grow as human beings, we also refuse that growth opportunity for our children. We cant take our children any farther in life, relationahip, and love that the point we have chose to progress on our own and in our marriages…True redemption involves being struck dumb by the enormity of our failure and then struck even dumber by the enromity of the heart of God that cancels our debt.

~ Dan Allender, How Children Raise Parents, p. 94, 102, 104

If you are parent, you probably clicked on this post right away. There’s something about being a parent that is both uniquely joy-giving and challenging. As a result, we often look for honest, life-giving stories to help us grow into our parenthood. As I grow with my two kids, I am steadily challenged to rely on God and his wisdom in raising children that are neither spoiled not straight-jacketed. Above all, I desire that my precious little sinners come to delight in all that God is for them in the Son and the Spirit. I am soberly aware that I can be both a hindrance and a help in this aim.

It was out of my struggles in parenting infants that I wrote much of “Becoming A Parent: Facing your Fears and Frustrations.” As my children grow, new challenges and joys emerge. Their facility with language brings us to tears of laughter. I think of my son’s recent cry, “Daddy, get my dirties off, get my dirties off” referring to his need to take a bath. Of course there are the moments of iron-hard resistance to anything we say; the flaring of the human will to chart his or her own course. Discipline is always hard, especially doing it from the right motives.

At this new stage of parenting, I’m considering writing another article, one like, “Becoming A Parent,” that helped me work through how my children were raising me, as well as how I am to raise my children. So, I thought I’d put a request out, to see what some of my fellow parents would appreciate reading. What topics might be of interest to you?